Blissful disturbance

Its been really long that i felt disturbed. But last night things went vain ..!! For a peaceful state , we must be scrupulous for every action or rather every thought of ours. A single thought invoked can unveil all our hidden flaws resulting in fret and manifestly dissatisfaction. It often happens with me that the point i am stucked with is touched through anyone or from anywhere like it just happened today.

The disgruntled nature of mind in itself is suffering. No matter how much of something we get, it never satisfies our Desire for BETTER or MORE...!!!  (Lord Budhha).

I have been gaining so many experiences of sorrow and discomfort through expectations but i considered all of them disparate.Till date, i thought that there are many points on which we can be in fret but now a gentleman cleared it all  ;) . We, every human being revolves around just five things .. anger, greed, attachment, ego and sex.

And my very recent experience is of expectations whose root cause lies in my greed of getting more and more. I thought its something different from things that had happened with me before but it actually wasn’t. Your expectations come from your greed and desire for more. We can never get satisfied..!!

It was a time 2 years before that my present state was a dream to me and just the soul beauty what i wished to feel and live. But now when its there i want more.!! Sometimes it feels how ...are.... WE...!!!! Disgusting me .. demanding like a beggar !!!! if you yourself feel your actions so downgraded, what impact will it have on the other.  

But the recent precarious state of mine snapped all shit in me. I realised that these were just foolish excuses that i grab to save me from my mean actions and greedy thoughts. But now it won’t ..!! The moment a negative thought bleak out,it will be first thoroughly analysed and catogarised in the above five roots.

I am glad God that i am made to realise such ugliness in me else it could have never been exposed and felt. He is awesome and beautiful that he is giving me a chance to beautify.

This disturbance in me is imbibing greater bliss, flowing love and gratitude in my life . I am thankful to Him for the sources of knowledge He has blessed me with and this lovely blissful disturbance thats improving me moment by moment.

Loads of love <3 <3

                          Loosing hold .....

Since last so many days.. things are just out of my way...!!! never thought tht my last year will be soo furious and full of thrills that one would never like...!!  m just loosing control over my mind and loosing hold on every action of mine . m becoming a big store house of various feelings that i use to just let go. But now when its required for me to curb , its absolutely not letting me let myself free and natural.

A terror stucks my mind over and over again...that its not ‘REAL ME’. But ya i know one thing that alwys holds true  is ‘heading higher is marked by difficulties and stuff tht surely is against ur will’....

There is a wrong thought that should be changed ryt this moment....  ‘my real aim for this write up’  tht curbing my wrong doings into good ones.. even if its going against ur natural being is not restricting ur freedom.. y m i mingling freedom wth self control.. it shouldn’t be done but its happening to me and proves to be a big hindrance on my WAY...!!! n i m just here...again.... spoiling my seconds ...my moments.. that could hv been spent in the best possible comportment.... i turn weak every next second telling myself ... “ why should i “ soo wrong.. even after being wth two guiding lights fr three years..!!

It happened to me two days before only .....that i told myself to go crazy fr extracting happiness .....but m not...m not doing the same ....but y not....!!!!!

 i will change.. i will curb..i will pass.. i CAN curb.. i WILL curb...got to burn urself  ‘dear’ ..n this is ‘this’ burning that is  pinching you baby ..!!! i was just ending up but this last statement is giving me some lovely ...beautiful...strong... strength....!!!!  

so yeah its again... ME wrapping up ... i would again end up sayin as i always do .. i‘l work over it to my best....and I know I will turn out pure... wth His grace who makes me realise.. and gives me strength ..JJJJJ

shubuuuu.... <3 <3

Wants...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohh..!! wat a disturbing day it was.. !! Loads of things went through my mind. Such a state of mind really pisses me off...i so want to get away from  it but unknowingly or rather knowingly i drag myself deep into a chain of thoughts coming to me back to back. So now i am here to just pen down things going through me. Last time the aftermath of writing a blog of my feelings was tremendously poignant.  

         The morning..!! another girl came...n it was now...my turn to listen to my flaws..!! comparison..!! people do kid a lot but sometimes, it gives you a pinch and today it happened. i tried to console and clear my head but still then.... it left it stains. Why do i want people to just praise me for whatever i do. Why do such small things swings me down !!

Any ways it was just an incidence. The point i wish to raise is that i am so dependent on people.. for my happiness ..Why don’t i realise its just me , only me . there is nothing that is mine in this world.. nothing not a single thing . i endeavour for people to be the way i want..!! what shit ya..!! What shit.  I am talking about people , i myself, damned my own feelings , my own thoughts are not permanent n i spoil my day bothering about others , their actions , there mere words.. what are words . they truly are nothing.. someone truly says there is nothing in words..... And my habit . m so outspoken. That without revealing wat is going inside me , m so stucked that i just keep loosing my moments. I got to be strong enough to talk to myself , compos-mentis...i should say. Right now i got a very strong feeling that i would love to share.(lolz see m again saying ..!! may be speaking more and introspection are two different things ...ahh ..i am so confused.. !!)  neways ..I’l try to stand alone.. be strong ..self confident..independent....lucid... i’l try not to loose a single beautiful second that i am blessed with. And The most amazing loveliest thought that i got a chance to realise today is “that there is nothing that we cannot smile for”.. everything made by Him is so pure and beautiful that it gives you no reason that we stop smiling.

I hope i carry it within me so intensively the way it is right now..!! glad to feel it....loved it .. loving it.. JJ

                                              The so called foolish master...!!!!!

                                                (only in her own blind eyes)

Since date , i wished for and was striving hard for every single being to follow me, my views, my thoughts, my ideas, my viewpoints and the most wretched and dismal thing ,i was so damn obsessed with this that though i was not at all involved anywhere in the scene..things happening around me did’nt bother me or pain me in any sense.. then to i was so keen and eager that i stepped forward again and again to give free advices..!! not at all a point of leadership or proud..!! ohh u r great.. so bold that even though u r not the victim..u just go ahead ..you r standing and saving the people around..and different people greeting and appreciating you ,your efforts in so many different way..... you in their hearts THE mother Teresa..!!! bullshit..!!! i struggled so hard to make every single girl a bitch and every single boy a dog.. who sits when i say ‘sit tommy’, who stands when i say ‘stand’, who runs when i say ‘run’ .. my desperation for making a dog of mine who agrees with whatever i order him was so deep , that i lost the importance of my words.. i just kept on giving my unwanted suggestions and not only giving them, even fighting hard to prove myself right .rather than living peacefully and be an observer , and just move on move on ..!!!

 The core reason... my habit , my ego satisfaction that i didn’t want human beings near me , instead dogs who just do as “the shubhangi sheel “orders them to do..!! why don’t  i realise that if you don’t have control over your ownself , your body, your thoughts..how can i even go to  the extent of ruling others..!!! it is so illogical and foolish., so lame of me to think of ..!!! strange..!!! .i have no power on my own body, own hands, breathing, how Can i expect others to live as i do..!! n one thing really very very true..!! everyone around thinks they are right..so as i...so as others whom i keep on forcing .. !!  neways to end up with .. i will now never try to impose things on others.. do this way... this is right..this is wrong.. see yourself first..every single person on this earth is right.. no one is wrong.. ,nothing is wrong... it is all HIS wish..i am observer. Stop pulling people..let them free ..let them fly the way they wish to..not the way i wish to.. i will now from this moment...  will always keep an eye on my inner self.. every being is born free,  to live free,  to walk freely, to fly freely ,to laugh freely, to talk freely, to do whatever they wish to , with their own right, own thoughts, own feelings....i am just no one to snatch their birthright ,their freedom from them. I am just no one to make them my little poor obedient dogs..!! they have the freedom .. i am no one to impose my viewpoints on them... just be an observer.. value others freedom, value your freedom.. neither you are born to suffer  nor they..  so just be happy.. be fine.. njoy life .. let people njoy their personal lifes.. be with them.. treat them like humans.. not dogs.. mind it dear not dogs.. not slaves n you the master.. be human ..!!! glad to see myself, my sucking attitude, a drop of insight visted today.. !!! 

i dnt knw why my blog is nt appearing on google straightway without signing in ....!!!!! any suggetions...!!!!!

its a great feeling ... may sound small to ppl who hv been blogging since long.... but ryt now ..its giving me a real hunch that things will go great this way.... the first day at home .....with delicious food n extreme comfort.
home sweet home.